It's July, BTW. The dates I see on the "claqeta"/"clacker"/slate when I'm editing are all July. It's been six years -- SIX of them -- since we came together and were all so sweaty and determined. We've all done a lot in those years and we're all significantly older. We've worked and wanted; most of us (if not all?) have moved, many across the country, some across the ocean, some more than once. Relationships have started and/or ended. A few of us knew each other before the film and have stayed in touch as friends, some more and some less than others. Many of us knew each other only for a few weeks or even a few days during the shoot, making new friends and keeping in touch, or happy to work together and then move on. The majority of GW's presidency has transpired since most of us saw each other last.
I have to admit, I am considering passing the baton on this one. I watch this footage and it's hard to endure all the things I did then that I wouldn't do now. It's hard to look at this story through the lens of who I was in July 2002, because who I am in July of 2008 would do it so differently. I have doubled my knowledge of filmmaking, I think, since we first rolled on 'Seeing and Believing' (teaching others is the best way to deepen your own knowledge and I have taught four terms of video production since '04). Part of the increase in knowledge came from shooting S & B, itself, of course -- there's no substitute for doing a thing we know about, as we so often re-learn. I simply didn't know then what I know now -- there's no crime in that -- one should HOPE, in fact, that every six years of one's life, one will be able to say this: it's called growth. But even forgiving my pre-having-done-it-ignorance as necessary and natural, I can't help but get aggravated with and yell at my 2002-self from here when I watch her squander 2008-self's one opportunity to direct a feature-length narrative film. Watching the footage and trying to cut together shots I don't even like is taxing. I mean, I hate to say it, I really hate to say it -- believe me -- but some of this movie is just downright bad. Editing is not, shall we say, mostly pleasurable. Occasionally pleasurable, yes: some of it works, there are arresting little moments of truth here and there, some lovely shots, a few good scenes... but mostly? Mostly? No.
And DAMN!! for that.
Both RJ and Kevin have offered in the past to take on editing at least parts of the film and I have been reluctant for an assortment of practical reasons (duping 29 hours of footage, for one), but my main resistance has been a sense of ... oh, what would I call it? Duty, maybe. That is, it's partly emotional "ownership" since I wrote the script and lived and breathed those characters for so many years before July, 2002, but it has also been a sense of... responsibility. I'm the director and I feel responsible to you all who worked so hard for that time (though it may not show, since the thing is still Not Done) -- you deserve to have something to show for all you gave in time and energy and money! Can't let it go - can't let it go! My job!
But the relativity of six more years does start to make those six weeks look smaller. I would prefer to move my energy into a current project, I admit. I'd rather be writing.
Anyway -- I haven't given up on all of it yet, I do still want it to Be Finished. We all really do deserve to see an actual film, a whole narrative, after all we put into it. But this is what I'm thinking about as I'm heading off into the woods for a bit. Comments?
Peace out,
REA
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