Progress!

I have finished Scene 5 - huzzah! It was an entirely different set of issues from Scene 6 and much easier. Plus, I got to watch Christine say the same lines over and over (opposite Kevin again), instead of myself -- which is much preferable.

Why is it that so many of us hate to watch ourselves on tape/film, I wonder. Why do we really _hate_ it so? I mean, I know that what I truly hate is my own bad acting on display - I cringe when see myself so vulnerable to ridicule and inviting of criticism; but so many people don't want to be taped AT ALL, even when they're just sitting there being themselves, that it must be something _human_.

I have never been one of those people who staunchly refuses to have her picture taken even on special occasions; I admit such people Baffle me and I sometimes find such refusals selfish and often downright rude. That is, there are certainly times when I protest, become annoyed or duck away, and we all have a right to those days - but in general, if someone wants your picture, they probably know you and like you, know what you really look like, and just want to be reminded of your existence from time to time by a visual representation of you - that's nice, isn't it? When I meet up with those people who WILL NOT be taped or photographed, I always feel like saying, "Do you think that I _can't see_ you right now? I SEE you - right there in front of me - You Are Visible. It's not an existential x-ray machine, for crying out loud. Do you think that I _can't tell_ if a photograph is a good likeness of you or not? Is it that you're actually a vampire? Being photographed doesn't actually remove or add anything from or to you, it doesn't _make_ you any different than you are pre-photograph..."

But what is the feeling that people have? It might be the sense that one is giving up control of one's Self, one's self-determination -- as if a photo/tape were like a clone: this "version" of you then circulates in ways you can have no consciousness of -- that would be hard on any insecure heart: "What if someone thinks that's how I Am??"

You can't defend "yourself" -- it sets "you" up as present in places and times when other people might tear you down (or up) and you cannot react or fight back, cannot use your intuition to assess their intentions, cannot distract them or change the subject. That must be the human/animal thing - fear of not being able to protect yourself. One's ability to be self-aware & aware of one's surroundings and to defend oneself is instinctively guarded, I guess. Right? Although if it were really deep-seated, the people who don't want their photographs taken wouldn't drink alcohol, either - alcohol certainly makes people less self-aware and less aware of surroundings -- though you're not _aware_ that you're losing awareness, whereas with the photos, you do maintain a certain cognizance of how unaware "you" will be in that photo. The irony, of course, is that a photo _isn't_ you, whereas the intoxicated body _is_. The photo's lack of ability to read an environment doesn't actually endanger _you_, while the drinking effect might very well.

Why am I suddenly writing about drinking?

Hmmmm...

What a strange entry. I'll leave it intact, though - I mean, what the hell?

SCENE 5 is DONE.

I think I will do Scene 4 now -- the one where Bill comes in and says "Heyyyy!" to a sleeping Marissa. It is already neat to see how 5 & 6 actually fit together, I like the idea of tagging 4 on there, too. Scenes 7-13 involve the first dinner gathering -- including Marissa walking in on a shirtless Larry by accident. Scene 14 is the actual dinner, at the table -- the one where it was 100 degrees - remember? I don't think I'll do those next; I think I'll move from 4 to 28 -- the scene in which Christine gets the joy of saying, "Hold that thought, Habermas" and Kevin gets to explain the Law of Moths & Lemmings: attraction kills! (pffft!)

I think I'd better go eat something.

Peace out,
Rachel